I wasn't Really Chasing a High


Photo by Eyleen L.


I have never shared this part of my life with you before. 

I started using substances when I was a young teen. Pot and beer lead to pills and coke. At 18 I was shooting up meth.

To be in the world was unbearably painful and I was constantly looking for a way out of my reality.

One day I was sitting on the bathroom floor of a hotel in an unknown town in Arizona, needle in my arm. When the drug hit my blood I stopped breathing. And in that liminal space between here and there I was sure I was going to die, but I didn't care.

I didn't care because for those few seconds I felt perfect. I felt the way I'd imagined I was always supposed to feel. I felt SAFE.

This was what I had been chasing with the pills and the drinks and the needles. This was the feeling I was so desperate to have that I'd risked everything - even my own life for it.

I wasn't really chasing a high all that time, I was chasing freedom from my fear.

I didn't find freedom in that needle, I found enslavement. I didn't die, but three days later I was arrested for trafficking methamphetamine.

Even after jail and rehab and AA and several overdoses I kept chasing that feeling, but all I ever found was more and more pain, misery and despair.

I was lucky though, I had my life and my arrest charges were dropped. Getting off drugs I had to walk straight into all that fear I'd been avoiding. And for a long time I thought it would drown me.

I took medication for anxiety and manic depression. I binged. I worked out compulsively. I drank too much wine. I smoked. Anything to get away from myself.

Eventually I couldn't run anymore. Eventually I had to learn to deal with my fear.

It took several years of deep healing, intensive training, a guardian angel, a Kundalini Awakening and a trip to Peru before I really learned to work with fear as an art form.

Fearless living doesn't mean that you don't feel fear, it means that you are not enslaved by it.

This is a way of being completely open to life. It is a way of living in integrity with your soul. It is falling in LOVE with living.

Your greatest destiny is on the other side of your fear. It's time you met it.






1 comment

  • Celia Bradshaw

    Thank you for sharing your story. Will this class be running in July of 2018 or is this an older post and class?

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